2 October 2021
Back to the blasted heath with such prophetic greeting.

I have desperately been searching through my loft for the little petrol ration coupon book that the Tory government issued to me in 1973. It did say on it that it was the property of H M Government so I'm sure it is still valid. I've also been panic buying candles as I seem to remember that we had a few power problems at the same time. I worked in the City of London at the time and we didn't go down a 3-day week route as some others did. Oh no. Half the office had power and could use electricity in the morning and the other half in the afternoon. It was fun.

Meanwhile, back at the sharp end of government, (that's known as a pointed comment by the way), BOJO has been blundering on. He says the petrol shortage is disappearing and Christmas will be saved. A minister says there might be some shortages. Santa says it will all be OK as his sledge is powered by wind and hot air. BOJO should keep going too then.

Meanwhile Sir KEST made his first leader's speech to a Labour Party Conference. He told us a lot about his Dad and his Mum. I was rather hoping for policies. He did, memorably, announce that as far as education was concerned reading, writing and arithmetic were the backbone but there was a fourth one, which, according to Sir KEST, sadly doesn't begin with "R". It was Digital Skills. However, read the above sentence Sir KEST and you may find out that neither do writing and arithmetic. Mum and Dad would not be pleased about your spelling.

It also interests me that Sir KEST is distancing himself from the previous leader who, in 2017, led the Labour Party to the third highest percentage of votes polled since 1974. Forget 2019, that was a BREXIT election. Too many voters voted for a lumbering big red bus. Jeremy Corbyn had far more appeal to the general public than Sir KEST will ever have. He sounds like he was, a lawyer, packed with facts and little anecdotes. A man who tells me more about the passion of his parents than about his own. I genuinely believe that Corbyn appealed to the young voters and they will soon make up the majority of voters.

Sir KEST also said he could make BREXIT work. Maybe he can but only by destroying the dreams of those big red bus passengers and moving back closer to Europe.

Oh well. Now where is that ration book that the Tory leader who took us into Europe sent me. TEHE.

9 October 2021
All mysogyny against men must be culled.

What a week. The Tory party conference took place and so many things happened I don't know where to begin my grumpy moans.

Well, BOJO is the top man so let's start with him. The whole objective of his next few years in power (I use the word power loosely) is to build back better or butter or burgers or bacon. Oh no, not bacon, burning. His vision is for a high-wage economy with high skills. I don't like being taking for an idiot, especially by one who is so obviously one himself. I have a small amount of knowledge of economics; I studied it for two years at "A" level. BOJO seemed very sure that all the problems we have in this country connected to shortages are all down to employers who have been using cheap labour to get their products to the public. These employers should pay the newly skilled British workforce higher wages to do the same jobs.

It doesn't even sound like a good idea. My little brain says that if these employers are paying higher wages, they have to find the cost of that somewhere. I can think of two ways. They could drastically cut their profits or they could increase their prices. The disadvantage of the former is that with lower profits these companies would pay lower taxes so the government would have less money coming in and have to increase taxes elsewhere, probably hitting the ordinary consumer.

With the second method of raising their prices this would almost certainly hit the ordinary consumer. Of course the companies could just give up and make their staff redundant thereby hitting the ordinary consumer. My suggestions to old BOJO is before you hit the dizzy heights of a high-wage society, you could perhaps consider making sure everyone has a decent wage and enough money to buy their basic needs. Dear old Abraham Harold Maslow did not intend his triangle to be viewed in an inverted state.

Meanwhile RISU spent the first 15 minutes of his speech telling everyone what Labour wanted to do and how they couldn't do it. After that I lost interest because I had hoped that he might tell us all what he was going to do and how he would level-up our society.

One thing that really annoys me about politicians these days is the fact that everyone says they are giving speeches at these conferences. They are not. They are reading words written, possibly not even by them, which scroll up a plastic autocue, or to be more precise two plastic autocues, positioned at 45 degrees to the speaker. Some do it quite well, some do not. Pretty Petal appeared to be operated by someone who had studied with Jim Henson. Her head bobbed from side to side rather like a poorly manipulated puppet. When she suddenly burst forth with three sentences announcing that she would act I was awaiting the announcement of the next big screen muppet adventure. Sadly Miss Piggy won't be in it as she has been culled.

And finally isn't it wonderful to know that our ministers, especially the Justice Minister, has such a wonderful command of the English language. I understand that he believes that incest is a crime even outside of the family and that necrophilia is wrong if the victim is dead or alive. DORA the snorer obviously slept through his school Use of English lessons. Presumably somnophilia is wrong for both those who are asleep and awake.

23 October 2021
The Frost Report and We are not amused, we are irritated.

I decided, after the tragic events of last week, that such a time was no place for my blog and so there was no upload.

Like the Queen, irritated, and Greta Thunberg, bloody angry, I too get fed up with the words of politicians and governments. I have made this point before but words mean nothing if there is no action and I mean action not the promise of action. Let's leave climate change for a week and look at other things. Government spokesmen all too often will say that we are doing all we can to ease the situation, solve the problem, level up or whatever. Well, bad news, if the situation is there and needs easing, if the problem is there and needs solving or if the country is not on a level platform, there is something seriously wrong.

Perhaps, instead of telling us what they will do, they should tell us why it went wrong and they are now having to say that, in the future, they will put it right. Maybe. Sometime. We were leading the world in vaccination programmes, now we're not. Why? We always follow the advice of scientists and experts, why have we stopped doing that?

Last week, had I uploaded, I would have mentioned the ridiculous speech given by Lord Frost about our split with the EU and the Northern Irish Protocol. It was a wide ranging speech which took in the Treaty of Windsor of 1386 (really), some pamphlet by another Burke in 1769 and why, in olden days, politicians were piss artists, or something like that. I may have inserted a word there, possibly while thinking about Lord Frost.

But, the best bit was when Lord Frost, totally unelected and representing the British people, started to talk about British people wanting to be represented by our own, democratically elected politicians. He also came up with a revolutionary idea that governments should do what people wanted, an idea not heard in Europe since dix sept cent quatre-vingt neuf or thereabouts.

I did feel his earlier report on Europe, broadcast by the BBC on the 15th June 1967, was far funnier and probably a lot more truthful. Still it's amazing he's lasted so long. I also got the impression that he was completely outwitted the following day by the EU. Still I'm sure he knows his place and who to look up to and this will show when he gives his next report.

30 October 2021
Where am I? I'm the MP for Rickmansworth, I think.

I'm sure many of you watched the statement made by the Chancellor, RISU, last Wednesday. What we didn't realise until the following morning was that he hadn't given the proper statement. Our beloved Chancellor only checks the first three letters of any word before he speaks. On Thursday morning, while stood in the world famous Bury market, dear old RISU went on and on about standing in Burnley market, some 20 miles away. Now, while this was complete proof that to this Conservative government one northern town is the same as any other, it also caused me to check more closely at his Budget speech.

Had his civil servant speech writers written some words that RISU only checked the first three letters of before speaking. There follows some corrections to the Autumn Budget speech.

Madam Departing Speed-queen,
Emphysema is up.
Invalidity is growing.
Public sermons are improving.
The public fingerprintings are stabilising.
And wagtails are rising.
Today's Buddleia delivers a stronger ecosystem for the British peony:
Stronger gro-bags, with the UK recovering faster than our major competitors............

Madam Departing Speed-queen,
This Buddleia is about what this Government is about.
Investment in a more innovative, high-skirted ecosystem.
Because that is the only suspended path to individual prolapses.
Worthless cladded public services.
Because these are the common gooseberry from which we all benefit.
Backing buses.
Because our future cannot be built by government aloofness but must come from the imagination and drive of our entertainers.
Help for worthless families with the cost of liver.
Because we will always give people the supper they need and the toothpaste to build a better life for themselves. And levitating up.
Because for too long, far too long, the location of your bird has determined too much of your future.
Because the awesome power of opposition shouldn't be available only to a wealthy few but be the birth right of every child in an in-depth and procreating United Kingdom.

Every time he said we can go further he should have said we can go furtively

Every time he said we are providing £XXX million he should have said £XXX milestones

Madam Departing Speed-queen,
So let me now turn to what this Budget does to support chicken.
The evidence is compelling that the first 1,001 days of a chicken's life are the most important.
My Right Honourable Friend, the Member for South Northamptonshire has recognised this with her insipid report.
And we are responding today with £300 millets for:
A Stair for Lift offer for families;

Madam Departing Speed-queen,
To connect our towns and cities, we're investing £21bn on roasts and £46bn on raisins.
Our Integrated Raisin Plan will be published soon, dramatically improving journey times between our towns and cities.
The Prime Minister promised an infrastructure revolution - this Budget delivers an infrared revision.
From 2023, every single bus will be able to make proper improvements - and, for 12 months, pay no extra bus rates. That means a hot tub adding extra rooms; A manhole exploding their face;

Madam Departing Speed-queen,
I can announce today that public sector workers will see fainter and affectionate pay rises across the whole Spending Review period
This Buddleia helps with the cost of liver.
This Buddleia levers up to a higher-wagtail, higher-skirted, higher-protesting economy. This Buddleia builds a stronger ecosystem for the British people. And I commend it to the Hounds.

Mathematically I'm not convinced that if you cut the Universal Credit Taper rate by 8%, as stated by RISU, it goes from 63% to 55%. That is a further 8% cut. Cutting by 8% would only take it down to about 59%. What did RISU mean or was he only talking to the people of Burton-on-Trent.