12 December 2021.
Let's deflect Planet Boris into Uranus

Some people are now referring to Planet Boris, a place where our ill lustless leader (better known to followers of this work as BOJO) lives. It is, so it's said, a place in the world where no rules apply. To be pedantic this cannot be true because if Planet Boris does exist then it is surely in another world. Leaving that aside I thought I would look into this new planet.

Certainly, over the last few weeks, there have been many disasters coming out of No 10 Downing Street, possibly a satellite of Planet Boris. There was the attempt to change the rules to excuse a disgraced Tory MP. The non–party party that hadn't broken any rules about holding parties even though it didn't exist. You may ask how something that didn't happen could break rules about that which shouldn't happen but I would reply by asking what the party opposite has done. This is called deflection. Now we learn that BOJO, who told the person he appointed to check out how his flat refurbishment was financed that he knew nothing about who was paying but, without knowing who was paying, sent a WhatsApp message asking for more to the very person who was paying. Celestine or not.

It has been obvious for years that BOJO tells lies, at least that is my view. What he doesn't realise is that when a child lies to a parent, or when an employee lies to an employer, it is wrong. When a parent lies to a child or an employer to an employee, it is not only wrong but also (non modo sed etiam if BOJO or JAREMO or reading this) a very serious matter. Those people are role models and, indeed, in charge of the other's life to some degree. The leader of our country telling lies is even more serious. Nobody knew about a party yet the director of communications seems to have made a speech; presumably in the dark, playing blind man's bluff and not knowing if anyone else was there.

History sometimes, nay quite often, repeats itself. "I want to say this on the question of foreknowledge, and to say it quite bluntly to the House, that there was not foreknowledge of a party in No 10. There was not.". Similar words were said to Parliament on 20 December 1956 and 30 days later that PM resigned.

However, after extensive research, I can now reveal that Planet Boris is actually an out of control asteroid swirling though empty space (also known as its head) and may well crash into Planet Earth, causing some destruction. The good news is that, with a small nudge, its route can be changed and it will instead crash into Uranus and, if not yours, its own. This is called deflection.

19 December 2021.
Boris and Pinocchio's nose - a modern panto

It's that time of year again, which of course it is everyday but this phrase usually seems to apply to Christmas. The shops are full of festiveness, which they have been since July, and the most important news story on the BBC website seems to be that the finalists for Strictly Come Dancing are preparing.

Meanwhile the panto king, BOJO (oh no he hasn't, oh yes he has) has had another poor week (oh no he didn't, oh yes he did). He leads a party that has lost a Conservative seat that has been held by them for nearly 200 years. He appoints a man, Simon Case, BOJO's top civil servant, to investigate No. 10 parties during lockdown last year who, it transpires, had a Christmas Party called "a Christmas Party" in his own office. Apparently Mr Case only had a walk–on part and despite being called "a Christmas Party", it was only a virtual quiz, In fact it appears that many events within No 10 at the moment are virtual. The PM was part of a virtual quiz too.

You may ask why are people getting annoyed about this and the answer is that those who govern us with laws need to abide by those laws, a fact made clear by the Archbishop of Canterbury when questioned on an edition of the BBC Newscast podcast. Unfortunately, the Archbishop seems to have returned to pre–Cromwellian days as he seems to think the government is led by Her Majesty the Queen and that she is not just a titular head.

Talking of tits brings me back to BOJO. He tells people to work from home if they can to minimise contact but says don't cancel the Christmas Party with those same workmates you have been avoiding. He goes on and on about the wonderful vaccine and booster programme that will solve everything and yet, despite, according to him, being way ahead of all European countries when it comes to vaccine roll–out, we now have more Omicron cases than anyone else in Europe. I don't want to hear how great this country is at things he has made up, I want to see this country being led by someone who can do things not brag about his fantasies, who can lead us and not dither and, who can answer a straight question when asked. Almost any other leader would be leading where with BOJO all I hear is "he's behind you", way behind you Pantomimes are a combination of nonsense humour and Witty humour. Remove the word humour and you have a Downing Street press conference.

Next week there will be no Grump on these pages as I am going into a brief recess preparing for the much awaited "Review of the Year" which will appear on 2nd January 2022. I'm already wondering how many events of 2021 are connected to lies that BOJO or his cohorts have told us.