Friday - October 18th 2024 - A return more surprising than that of Bobby Ewing

So, here I am. Back to represent the AGOGs as we set out on a new era (possibly still pronounced error). Having served, volleyed, smashed and thrown in the occasional lob, you cannot be serious, in various Conservative administrations over the last eight years I felt I should begin this jaundiced view on life by having a few parting words for my old party.

Most of the last five leaders have held a position well behind the service line, although not the self-service line. They have, in virtually all areas of the court, been totally out of touch (whoops gone to a different ball game here). They have not been foot faults, although putting said appendage in one's mouth could be considered a fault, there have been whole body faults. So many times I have cried what the deuce are you doing.

We've had DACA (Rene to his friends) who failed to think and therefore was no more. TEMA who brought us, weekly, strong and stable (a dyslexic oxymoron finds it way in there) but failed to achieve and was put out to grass with her butler. Tea ma and would you like to take the biscuit. Weirdly she resigned two months after may had ended.

BOJO came along and together with his friend DOCU and colleagues MAHA and DORA guided us through the pandemic always following the scientific advice and therefore failing to invade the Netherlands. My grumps about this period were on an epic level.

Then came Lib Truss and Khasi Carton. The Conservative party had to choose between her and Rishi Sushi and she won by a long furlough. However, after Ms Truss was surgically removed after 49 days in office and 48 days in cloud cuckoo land, we all got Rishi Sushi who then revolved on a moving platform for a couple of years before leading his party to the biggest defeat since they last had a big defeat.

In a few weeks the party will have a new leader. The favourite after the party's conference, where they all did the old Betterwear doorstep selling performance, has gone. We are left, or to be precise, the 121 Tory MPs are left, with KEBA and ROJE. For old time's sake I listened to their selling pitch. It wasn't pleasant.

ROJE has obviously decided he is the new Tony Bliar as he kept talking about "new Conservative". He was proud of the achievements of the last administration but wisely decided to name its failures on the NHS, the economy and border control. He had five new strands although to me his hair looked just as normal. History played a part in his pitch (still on a different sport) as he praised Attila the Handbag and felt that after 335 years we needed a new Bill of Rights and to help growth urban densification, a small state and probably a new Bill of Cash.

KEBA started by saying it was time to tell the truth mere days after denying she had said what had been recorded as she had said. She too wanted to go back to the golden age of the 1980s and wished to dismantle the state in the same way Attila had dismantled our manufacturing industry. She is not afraid, though not specifying of what, used to be an engine driver, I think that's what she said but my ears might have been deceiving me and told us that Conservative were elected to conserve but again failed to mention what.

My guess is that whoever wins will last a few weeks, be replaced by the loser and shortly after that Pretty Petal, who went out in Round One, will be appointed. Trust me. I know I cannot be serious.

Next week, I will commence my role in the new administration having crossed the floor, dotted the ceilings, hyphenated the doors (sorry Jim), pebble dashed the walls and speech marked the windows. Yes everything I say will be a pane.

Friday - October 25th 2024 - In politics do words have any meaning

Just one thing to grump about this week; words. Words, these things we use to communicate. Words, these things we use to involve other people with us, our intentions, our thoughts, our feelings. The problem is that most of us don't realise that when we talk to others it is not a two-way thing. It is a 3-way, sometimes 4-way, interaction. Let me explain.

I say some words which I believe convey my thoughts, my intentions. You hear them but to you they mean something a little different. If that 2-way interaction is where you stop a lot of damage can be done. I should then use more words to check that you have understood me (3-way) and even what your body language, facial expressions (4-way) tell me, to see that you really have understood why I used the words I did.

I'm saying all this now because next week is the budget. In their manifesto and in speeches, the new Labour government repeated that they would not increase taxes on the ordinary working person. They said they would not raise VAT, income tax or National Insurance contributions. When I heard this I thought it was a bit stupid. No increase in tax on the ordinary person needs two definitions which they never did. In fact, you could say the conversations with the public were 1-way. What is an ordinary working person and what is a tax. Ordinary working people, actually something that is almost totally impossible to define, pay tax on far more than their income, with income tax and NI, and more than any goods that have VAT added. If, for example, fuel duty were to rise that would be an increase for ordinary working people most of whom own a vehicle.

Therefore, very stupidly in my view, Starmer and his ministers have put themselves in a no-win situation. They will, I'm sure increase tax on the OWP, as opposed to an OAP, in some way. If someone moves into a new tax bracket because allowances are frozen, that is an increase. If they increase employers NI, any small business owner who may see themselves as an OWP, will pay more.

The budget will be interesting and I may well be moaning some more next week.

Oh, and this words thing has moved now to the CHOGC. The monarch has expressed sorrow for what happened in the past but no one in the British government has said sorry. Can you really express sorrow for something your country did but not say sorry for it. When they knighted Mr Mantics they sure created a problem.